The TV Series Review Vol. 1 No. 4: Thirteen Reasons Why We Blame Hannah Baker for Effing Killing Herself Because Why The Hell Not

Welcome to your tape Hannah Baker. In this article, the students of Liberty High School fight back against your tapes and your accusations because they deserve to be heard. Except for Bryce, he’s pure evil, like Lestrange-level evil. So as Courtney said, they have their own truths, and these are their truths. We present to you the thirteen reasons why you should blame yourself for killing yourself because why the hell not.

Tape 1 Side A and Side B: Justin Foley

C9vkDAgUMAAYQunJUSTIN: Hi Hannah, you killed yourself, good for you. But I must tell you that you’re way too mean for making two tapes for me, and Bryce has what, one tape? And he raped you, right? He did not even got to listen to the damn tapes. Wow. And so I decided to dedicate two sides of a tape for you too. First of all, I am a fucked-up entitled basketball team captain of an American high school so I need to be a jerk, especially in a YA novel-turned-series. If I’m not the hero, it means I’m the jerk, there’s no gray area there. And please, that photo at the playground? You shouldn’t have posed for photos in that position, like in a slide? Seriously? And let’s jump to the party. I did not raped Jessica, alright? So back off. I may look like I don’t take a bath, like most of the students in Liberty but I am good looking, see my photo at the side for reference. Many people will sympathize because I have a good heart deep down and also because I can’t have a decent dinner and I need Alex for that.

Tape 2 Side A: Jessica Davis

Alisha-Boe-Interview-Girl-CrushJESSSICA: Gurl, I’m lost, help me here. I’m in the tapes because what exactly? Because I stopped drinking coffees with you after school? Oh come on. First off, drinking coffee, especially hot coffee, during afternoons? That was a bad idea. Tea I can accept. Or milk tea. And hey, I liked Alex, so what? I’m a black cheerleader who is famous in high school because, you know, America is so embracing this “I love Diversity” theme. And also we’re building a wall. And our president is Trump. So of course I am a famous black girl in a white-dominated high school in America and if I wanted Alex, it’s none of your business.

Tape 2 Side B: Alex Standall

e9668ceb5c949803d239e54fed3ffd91ALEX: So I made a list placing you in a what? Best Ass category? Big deal. You’re just hurt that I did not chose you and instead I chose Jessica. Which makes great sense because as white guy and a son of a white police officer I should fall in love with a black girl. I don’t blame you for falling for me. I have a great hair, second only to Archie Andrews (cursed that show) and my emo level is at par with that of Jughead so what’s not to like? Although I must admit that the ring in my nose is really, really quiet disturbing. And my police of a father did not make a great deal out of it. Makes sense.

Tape 3 Side A:  Tyler Down

devin-druid-8TYLER: First of all, I have the saddest surname in the entire YA universe. Down? Come on Jay Ahser, what were you thinking? And so Hannah, I stalked you, distributed your photo kissing this another girl (she’s insane by the way, stay away from her). And you killed yourself because of that? There’s no effing way you should blame me for your death. I mean, I have my own sad story, so what about me? I need attention too. I mean the fact that photography (a cool endeavor) is frowned upon in high school that believes basketball is a real profession is sad as it is. And let’s mention that throwing stones at my windows ploy, I mean come on Hannah, you could have been more creative than that, like taking a photo of my naked butt and sending it to the entire school. Good call Clay, good call, and now I’m done with Alex, you’re next.

Tape 3 Side B: Zach Dempsey

C8cbP4vUAAQubR3ZACH: I liked you Hannah and now I’m wondering why. Maybe because of the reasons you said in my tape like I’m alone and something like that. But guess what, including me in those tapes just because I hid your letters from that communication something class? Boring reason to die to be honest. And just so you know, I did not throw away your letter, you could just have a very poor eyesight clouded with this thing called drama. I’m an Asian basketball superstar in high school and I talked to you because I liked you so for starters you shouldn’t have shouted at me, in a public place like the cafeteria. That hurt my ego especially when this white kid named Justin was there, who by the way, have scored less than me in every effing game, but he’s the captain and I’m not. Go figure. Asians.

Tape 4 Side A: Courtney Crimsen

413676_medium-optimized-2COURTNEY: Psst! Finally my very own tape! I mean I miss you sooo much my friend! Why did you do that? Killing yourself and everything? It’s so messy btw. And as if I’m not busy enough on being a good straight A student with active role in school activities like the honors council and school dances and other stuff, I need to stage a memorial for you! I mean, not that I don’t like it, it will make me look good admittedly, setting this creepy altar for you with all that flowers and stuff. People will think I’m a good person. But that’s not why I’m doing it. I’m doing it for you. Because you’re my friend. But please tell me next time that you don’t like roses, okay? As for my tape, oh wow, Hannah I love you but it’s just not true. At all. I’m nice and I’m perfect, I’m not gay for crying out loud. It’s just that you have your truth and I have mine. I mean we’re not that close, no offense. So maybe I’ll just see you around? Oh sorry you’re dead I forgot.

Tape 4 Side B:  Sheri Holland

enhanced-buzz-10179-1491858285-0SHERI: So Hannah I heard my tape and all I could say is wow our school is totally tragic. Here I am being a good student while also being a popular kid (which is not easy I’m telling you) and I was just being nice and all, offering you a ride home because that’s me but of course in a total YA novel fashion I got to this accident where I knocked off that stop sign which was a total accident by the way and should be left as such by the author (or creator of the series whichever comes first) but no. This is a YA novel-based series so knocking the stop sign has consequences. Someone died, naturally to make it more tragic. And Hannah, please. You killed yourself because of that? I should be the one who should get all emotional from that situation. But hey, you’re gone and guess what, I could have Clay on my own and that’s should be my perfect revenge.

Tape 5 Side A and Side B: Olivia Baker and Andy Baker

YOUR PARENTS: First off our dear daughter, you have the nerve to kill yourself after you lost that $700 you supposed to deposit? And I heard you got a little sidetracked visiting that crush of yours Clay Jensen before supposedly going to the bank. You were a good daughter, were you? And while we’re at the subject of being good, did you know that we are currently being bashed online because apparently we’re not good parents, we did not give you much attention and all that crap? I mean come on! Seriously. We gave you a brand new car we could not afford so that you could give those schoolmates of yours (they’re not even your friends!) a ride to an effing school dance. And what about that time we talked while eating Valentines Day chocolates? Was that not good parenting? And I’m so sorry we’re deep in our own problems. They’re not that big compared to yours. It just involves paying for the house, keeping the drugstore afloat and all that boring adult stuff we do to give you all you need. And now we’re going bankrupt because of this lawsuit. And as for those tapes, I mean we were searching for reasons why you ended your life and all the while there were those tapes circulating around without us knowing? What does that tell you about yourself. Anyway, thanks to Tony for giving us a more modern, more sensible copy of those audio of your drama via a flash drive, much more techy. But Hannah we miss you so much. Please come back.

Tape 6 Side A:  Jeff Atkins

C8b8BDfWsAIyzPLJEFF: Hannah you might be surprised that I made a tape about you. I mean I was not in your tape so why, right? First of all in case you don’t know, I’m famous online now, more famous than my amigo Tony Padilla because apparently everyone wants to have a friend like me, so thanks to you and Clay. Anyway good thing I have fame to bask in in the after life because barely a month after I died, you killed yourself. I mean, that’s my time to shine right there and you stole it from me. Anyway, I get it that you’re just like to get attention but that was below the belt. You could have waited say three months before committing suicide at which time they would forget about me. But hey, no worries there, see you here in heaven or whatever the hell is this place, all I could say that this place is “unique”, but don’t say to Clay that I used that word again. “Unique.”

Tape 6 Side B: Tony Padilla

christian-navarroTONY: I am exhausted. Being the guardian of your tapes is so exhausting. I mean why me? Why did you make me the Chose One? You know I’m being laughed at because I follow Clay around school because I need to grab his bag and the tapes whenever he feels leaving it behind? And that boy is soooo slow, I mean the tapes are not that long, he’s just such a drama queen, you two would be a perfect couple. This role that you assigned to me is taking my love life away. I mean I am a latino gay who looks like an action star and is dating a white Twilight-like guy. It makes sense. And while it’s true that I don’t go to my classes (except on those classes with Clay) I still need to appear in hallways, in school grounds and everywhere so as to protect Clay. And while you think that I’m not busy, I would like to spend my day cleaning, fixing, building, eating, drinking, blowing up cars, because I’m in high school and that make sense. Cars. And so if you don’t mind, I’ll give those tapes (I made audio files in flash drive because those are too bulky to carry) to your parents, because they trust me from day one even though there’s no clear explanation why.

Tape 7 Side A: Clay Jensen

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CLAY: So umm, you did broadcast our little sex scene to the entire Liberty population. I’m introvert, what are you thinking, I like books and I tend to recite weird history facts at random scenes. Sorry I took so long to finish your tapes, I need to sleep, read books, ride bikes, climb a mountain, pester the popular kids, be a drama king, and all that stuff so listening to your tapes was just secondary. Also that wound of mine in the forehead was necessary to distinguish the past from the present, just so you know. And I need to roam around town as you tell your story, because YA novel. So I heard that you liked me. I liked you too. It makes sense because if I’m not a popular handsome jock as is the tradition in YA novels, I should be a nerd who would be popular in school because that’s the fate of every lead characters. But you killed yourself. That’s fine. It makes our story more unique, in the absence of werewolves and wizards, suicide is definitely a sure best seller. But the tapes. I mean including me in the last tapes? You could have just made me first but no. You made my life hell wondering what I did wrong. But I’m still in love with you after all that shit you made me go through. Because that’s a lead male character should be: stay in love with the lead female character, even if she’s committed suicide and there’s absolutely no chance of a book 2 in the horizon.

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